Are We Over-Intellectualising to Avoid Feeling Vulnerable or Taking Action?

All of you 'nerds' who follow this nerdy newsletter likely have a love of big ideas, deep conversations and connecting the dots. But what happens when our 'nerdiness' becomes an armour against life?

I am a lover of intellectual depth. I’m also an introvert, so shallow conversations are my least favourite thing. I love rigour, and will gladly jump down rabbit holes of dialogue, exploring topics I’m passionate about with equally passionate people. And yet, over time, both as learner and facilitator of learning, I’ve started to notice that subtle threshold when intellectual conversations become less about learning and more about self-protection.

I notice this often at events/conferences/programs in my professional circles, where researchers and/or developmental practitioners (facilitators/coaches) come together and start talking about the field of development. Conversations often become abstract, and big words and acronyms are used a lot - complexity, systems, perspective-taking, VUCA, BANI, ‘lenses’, heuristics, presence, sociocracy, ‘field’, ‘developmental edges’ and ‘shifts’ - all of which, in and of themselves, prompt vigorous debate and intense discussions on nuance, meaning, schools of thought, theoretical approaches.

Yet, these conversations often lack practical examples or personal stories of lived experience. What is something complex YOU are dealing with in your own life right now? What does ‘presence’ mean to you? When did you last catch yourself NOT being present and with what consequences, on whom? What is an example of a particular ‘developmental edge’ you are working on right now; and in what context of your life? These questions are rarely asked and even more rarely answered.

People are polite, careful to make ‘everybody feel included’, ‘foster the spirit of dialogue’ and generally ensure an atmosphere of harmony devoid of any real or perceived discomfort for any of the participants. It’s easy at times in these environments to feel we are engaged in this delicate dance with intricate, choreographed moves where we carefully tiptoe around each other, wary to not offend anyone, skillfully showing off our expertise without taking too much air-time, revealing too much of ourselves or seeming like we are not open to others’ perspectives.

“Building on what X said” - is a phrase I hear often in these spaces. What is it that we are building towards, I am often unsure. “Reflecting on Y” - is another common phrase. How we turn reflection into action, often remains unsaid. The event ends, and we leave having forged ‘deep connections’, gained ‘powerful insights’ and vow to ‘continue the conversation’. But when should conversing end and acting start, and what difference do our musings make in our small real worlds or in the big wide real world at large?

I see similar patterns in the programs I lead.

In coaching contexts where people are invited to coach and be coached, self-revelation and practical action can be very hard tasks. We love to talk about coaching, but much less so talk about our unsolved dilemmas, the messy imperfections of our lives, the patterns we are not at all proud of and most of all, we don’t like doing the work after we have talked enough. I mean that real, painful work of changing our behaviour as a result of things we’ve reflected on.

In corporate contexts I see managers loving the unpacking of concepts, and philosophising about what it takes to be a great leader, and I also witness how wide and painful the gap between insight and action actually is. I also see this in the way we, those leading L&D consultancies, are running our businesses - are we merely talking to clients about concepts such as psychological safety, team trust, open communication, valuing dissent and ‘listening to the canaries in the mine’ or ‘cultivating a coaching mindset’ - or are we also applying these internally, as leaders, within our own teams, day-by-day, in all those moments when no client is there to witness our behaviour? If yes, then we know we are indeed walking the talk.

A decade ago, I had a massive wake-up call when my own sister, one of the most down-to-earth and practical people I have ever known, who works in a technical profession, is brilliant in her field, and has very little interest in ‘fluffy’ matters such as psychology, gave me the hardest piece of feedback I have ever received after she attended one of my open workshops:

“Do you realise” - she said - “that you are never as patient with, curious or open to listen to me as you are with the participants in your workshops? What use is all the theory you know if you don’t apply it with your own family?”

From theory to action there is a huge gap and that day I became painfully aware of the gap in my own life. Up until that point, I had felt couldn’t really connect with my sister because she’s never keen to go down those deliciously stimulating intellectual rabbit holes. She’s not keen to unpack an idea, to look at the nuance, to discuss the living daylights out of a cool concept - or at least not if there isn’t a clear and immediate ‘so what?’. I had a hard time discussing the ‘so what’ with her until I understood that my love of theory had become an armour.

It was much easier to talk about compassion than access it when I felt incredibly triggered. It was so much easier to master the art of dialogue in the sanitised conditions of professional environments where I had no trouble showing up at my best. But to stay in dialogue with people in my family, around matters we were all fearful, upset, or frustrated about - THAT was real vulnerability! And THAT, I learnt (the hard way), WAS the REAL work!

Once my sister jolted me out of my self-induced illusion that studying this stuff made me any better at it without intentional practice, I could NOT unsee it. I started to notice my conversations with my dad (another lover of big ideas and avoider of discussing emotions or any vulnerable topics) - and observe how I showed up, how much of myself I held back, how I unconsciously always tried to impress him with my knowledge instead of truly listen or bravely share some of my truths with him, and how many unspoken things there were between us. This paved the way for many hard conversations over the past few years which, paradoxically, have brought us closer together than before, when we used to get lost in intellectual talk so we didn’t have to focus too much on ourselves (or each other).

I am a recovering intellectualiser (I doubt that’s even a word, but it should be!). I still love a great nerdy chat, but I am way more likely to notice when that kind of depth is used as a shield against self-revelation or leaning into the REAL conversation that needs to be had or the ACTION that needs to take place. I am more likely to catch myself doing that and braver in calling it out when I see others doing it.

What are we NOT talking about while we are so busy talking about all this heavy theoretical stuff? What are we going to do in practice about everything we’ve discussed? How are we going to hold ourselves accountable? (writing a ‘list of committments’ won’t do)

These have become really useful internal check questions I often ask myself and the ones I ask groups I get to work with.

Recently I have been working with a team engaged in a 6-month long collective-growth journey. They are collecting stories of interactions they love within the team and interactions they don’t enjoy at all. When collected anonymously, these stories are very much alive. People give examples of feelings, moments they lived through, and thoughts they are having. When unpacking the learnings as a group and looking at broad themes emerging from their stories, nobody is forth-coming with their examples anymore.

The armour slips back on, people assume their self-protective stances and the discussions quickly devolve into general observations about the need for ‘more transparency’ and ‘better communication’. But what does that really mean in practice? And how are we going to do that when we are all so afraid of each other?

As a facilitator, there is only so much you can push without making people feel unsafe. My priority is always to help them feel safe enough so they freely choose to step into vulnerability. And that is very hard work.

Similarly, as I read individual reflections from participants in our Vertical Development Practices program - I notice how people get mesmerised by the theories of adult development and love writing at length about the intellectual connections they are making, and yet, it is only when they gather the courage to ask: “What does this really look like for me, in my own life?” - that the real stories of insight and change start emerging.

How is our understanding of human development helping us be better parents? Are we more likely to hold space for our kids when they make a big mistake, without overreacting? Are we more likely to stay kind with our partners when they get on our nerves? Are we more skilled at feeling our feelings and expressing them with openness, without them overwhelming us and without hiding them under a facade of “I have it all together?”. Are we more courageous to find our voice, and set our boundaries when faced with people in power who are overstepping the mark? Are we more likely to make the ethical choice, even when cutting corners would be so much easier (and profitable)? Are we more able to articulate our needs in a group, or invite others to speak to the elephant in the room instead of filling up the space with a lot of words, none of which are addressing the real issue? Are we braver in admitting mistakes, receiving hard feedback without defensiveness or blame, and asking for forgiveness when we’ve messed up?

If yes, then perhaps we’ve managed to strike a balance between our love of ideas and our embodiment of them in our real, messy, forever imperfect lives…

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