The Fear Is The Path

What if That which you most fear is in fact That which you most need to grow?

PSA! We are looking for the final participants in the new cohort of our ICF Level 1 Foundation Diploma in Developmental Coaching, starting in July. If you’ve been considering getting an internationally recognised coaching credential and also have an interest in vertical development - this program weaves both together in a deep journey of learning in small groups of maximum 12. Check out the program page and, if it feels right, schedule an admission conversation. Now, on to today’s article!

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One of my favourite activities when working with groups is inviting people to reflect on their life's journey and how much they have transformed, while also sensing into what lies ahead. Using visual prompts, they explore the worldviews they held in the past, 10 or 20 years before. They reflect on what stories they used to tell themselves about the world, their identity, about what success was and what it took to lead a good life. Then they move into the present, observing the lenses they hold now and realise how many of those definitions of the past no longer hold true. Finally, they glimpse into the future, trying to envision a wiser version of themselves and see the world through the eyes of that more mature self.

Invariably people realise they have changed profoundly, leaving behind many of their old beliefs and assumptions about life. When I ask them what triggered that change, most mention hardship, heartbreak, failure, disappointment, burnout or loss. Some speak of joyful triggers - like the arrival of a baby, a promotion or a move to a new country - but they too then speak of confusion, anxiety and overwhelm which often follow such momentous positive events.

People often describe a "point of no return" when the pain of continuing to do what they had done before becomes so unbearable that the only option is to do something different. That 'something' is often frightening. Things they had avoided for years - like standing up for themselves, owning their voice, prioritising self-care, choosing to do what they loved rather than what was reasonable - became inevitable.

"I had to leave my job and follow my art, or I felt I could die" - said one participant in workshop I did with artists last week.

"I was terrified. I still am" - said another.

Everyone shares having grown as result of facing their worst fears. People speak of becoming more confident, clearer in their vision for themselves, more willing to lean in on others rather than do it all alone, more couragious in saying "no" and setting boundaries, more tolerant of imperfection and mistakes, more confident that their self-worth is intrinsic and not dependent on others' opinions of them. All of these shifts are beautifully captured in developmental theory as moves from earlier stages of development towards accessing later stages of meaning-making.

But as inspiring as it is to hear people's stories of triumph and growth, the reality is facing our pain and our fear never gets easier. The often used phrase - "getting comfortable with discomfort" - is in my view deceiving. It suggests there comes a time when we no longer feel the discomfort, but I see no evidence of that in the research or in people's stories. The wisest of us seem to understand that pain is inevitable, so instead of waiting for life to strike them, they step towards the pain in their own time. They choose when and how to meet what they most fear. The fear never really goes away. It is simply a sign you’ve reached the Edge. Once you step over that edge, the Fear becomes the Path itself.

So what is that you most fear right now? What discomfort have you been avoiding, hoping it would go away? What nagging feeling is tugging at the corners of your attention, asking you to notice it, to slow down and feel it, while knowing you won’t like it? What wisdom is there in that which you have been sweeping under the carpet? What Path is beckoning and what do you need to go THROUGH so you can get OUT into whatever next iteration of you is awaiting on the other side?

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I hope you’ve enjoyed this article. If you are curious to dive more deeply into learning about Vertical Development and how it might impact your work and life, check out our online library of webinars and certification programs accredited by the International Coaching Federation.

If you are seeking to train as a developmental coach and get your first ICF credential, we are seeking the final participants to join our next group of 12 for our ICF Level 1 Foundation Diploma in Developmental Coaching starting in July. Check out the Program Page for details and reach out for an interview.

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