“Every time you give advice, you steal someone’s learning.” The first time I heard this statement from my first coaching mentor, many years ago, I was shocked.
To bring content or not to bring content to a coaching session? This is a fundamental question that few take the time to explore.
On one hand I don’t want to bring content because I know that my client has the answer within them and they need to have full ownership.
On the other hand I want to bring content in order to maintain my credibility and move the client along faster.
If my client has full ownership, I maintain credibility and my client moves along fast then that is a great coaching relationship in my eyes.
Can you see the problem? When I feel pressure to being content and, at the same time, I feel pressure not to I find myself in conflict. There are a number of undesirable things that come from that conflict. Half baked advice, erroneous content and anxiety are a few examples.
That leads to a poor coaching relationship.
Then I feel a need to bring more content and, at the same time a need not to bring content and the cycle continues.
Such an interesting (and honest!) reflection, Karl! The one thing that came to mind was a piece or feedback I got years ago from my coaching mentor, after she listened to a recorded session I was pretty proud of- precisely for the reasons you mentioned- I had moved the client along and felt super competent in the process. She pointed out some of my more “pusing” interventions and asked me: “who did you do that for? Was it for your client? Or was it for your ego?”
It was brutal feedback- took me weeks to recover. But she was right. This question jas been with me ever since. “Who am I doing/ saying this for?” Is it truly in the service of my client (even when it might not be immediately in the service of me)? If yes, perhaps that’s the right path- although it’s often the harder/ slower path... That’s my take on it. Curious how it lands for you.
There is a Socratic tool called an Evaporating Cloud from the Theory of Constraints. It’s a diagrammatic way of seeing conflict. I used it to articulate the problem above. It also helps us to test our assumptions.
The first assumption I replace in the conflict is that in order to maintain my credibility and move the client along faster I need to bring content. That assumption is not entirely true. If the only content I bring is the Socratic thinking process the conflict will disappear and my client will have complete ownership. Complete ownership of the solution means fast implementation by the client.
But there is more.
The second assumption I changed is that in order to have a great coaching relationship I need to maintain my credibility. That immediately puts me in a defensive place and erodes the relationship. The alternative is to put my trust in the Socratic process and my clients content.
This was a game changer for me and my coaching practice.
It allows me to safely sit with my clients in their cave (ref Plato) and be curious with them about the shadows on the wall. At some point my clients will look beyond the shadow and tell me about the light they see.
“Oooh, that looks interesting, tell me more about the light. Do you think it is a way out?”
Fast change, highly effective, I get to maintain my credibility and I learn so much more about how people work.
There is a catch at the end. No matter how much I learn about how different people work I can’t share it with the next client - it’s not their content. I have to stay curious. The paradox is beautiful.
To bring content or not to bring content to a coaching session? This is a fundamental question that few take the time to explore.
On one hand I don’t want to bring content because I know that my client has the answer within them and they need to have full ownership.
On the other hand I want to bring content in order to maintain my credibility and move the client along faster.
If my client has full ownership, I maintain credibility and my client moves along fast then that is a great coaching relationship in my eyes.
Can you see the problem? When I feel pressure to being content and, at the same time, I feel pressure not to I find myself in conflict. There are a number of undesirable things that come from that conflict. Half baked advice, erroneous content and anxiety are a few examples.
That leads to a poor coaching relationship.
Then I feel a need to bring more content and, at the same time a need not to bring content and the cycle continues.
There is a way out of this cycle.
How would you do it?
Such an interesting (and honest!) reflection, Karl! The one thing that came to mind was a piece or feedback I got years ago from my coaching mentor, after she listened to a recorded session I was pretty proud of- precisely for the reasons you mentioned- I had moved the client along and felt super competent in the process. She pointed out some of my more “pusing” interventions and asked me: “who did you do that for? Was it for your client? Or was it for your ego?”
It was brutal feedback- took me weeks to recover. But she was right. This question jas been with me ever since. “Who am I doing/ saying this for?” Is it truly in the service of my client (even when it might not be immediately in the service of me)? If yes, perhaps that’s the right path- although it’s often the harder/ slower path... That’s my take on it. Curious how it lands for you.
Very interesting topic Alis and reminded me of the Chinese proverb that says, “Don’t give me a fish, but teach me how to catch it.”
Spot on, Saleh!
Dear Alis,
So beautifully expressed.
With gratitude and admiration,
That is so kind, thank you, Rodigo!
There is a Socratic tool called an Evaporating Cloud from the Theory of Constraints. It’s a diagrammatic way of seeing conflict. I used it to articulate the problem above. It also helps us to test our assumptions.
The first assumption I replace in the conflict is that in order to maintain my credibility and move the client along faster I need to bring content. That assumption is not entirely true. If the only content I bring is the Socratic thinking process the conflict will disappear and my client will have complete ownership. Complete ownership of the solution means fast implementation by the client.
But there is more.
The second assumption I changed is that in order to have a great coaching relationship I need to maintain my credibility. That immediately puts me in a defensive place and erodes the relationship. The alternative is to put my trust in the Socratic process and my clients content.
This was a game changer for me and my coaching practice.
It allows me to safely sit with my clients in their cave (ref Plato) and be curious with them about the shadows on the wall. At some point my clients will look beyond the shadow and tell me about the light they see.
“Oooh, that looks interesting, tell me more about the light. Do you think it is a way out?”
Fast change, highly effective, I get to maintain my credibility and I learn so much more about how people work.
There is a catch at the end. No matter how much I learn about how different people work I can’t share it with the next client - it’s not their content. I have to stay curious. The paradox is beautiful.