A search for 'coaching books' returns 30k results on Amazon. Countless methodologies, competencies, standards. But what happens, really, inside the mind of a coach? Here's a glimpse into mine.
This article resounded on several levels. πΌπ π‘βππ ππ’ππ π‘πππ ππ π πππ£πππ ππ π‘βπ ππππππ‘ πππ π‘βπππ πππ‘πππ‘πππ πππ π‘βππ π ππ π πππ? In asking this questions the coach would have to acknowledge their ego (and make it not part of the answer) and to have the authenticity not be trigger. The way I come from is sensing the question the clients system wants to be asked.
Thank you for this beautiful tesimonial of your coaching approach, and for popping the hood with these profound principles! I wonder if you might elaborate on your assertion that "your advice steals my learning". I've noticed that there's a polarity there between "asking" and "telling"... If I am always asking clients to reflect and tell me what they think, the energy slows down, and in a sense I find that there's a "pointing out" that I could be doing that would immediately open up their perception to a new possibility. In other words, at times, it's in my "not telling them" that is robbing them of the opportunity to grow. Sometimes the most profound insight and transformation comes when I simply offer a new story or model or principles that gives them something to chew on and reflect on it within the context of their own experience. How does this land for you?
I love the point you are making, David, and I think working on a concrete example would be super valuable, because there can be so many flavours of 'telling' (as well as 'asking'). I'll just speculate a bit here and try to Personally, I found that giving my clients stories/models or principles is useful sometimes, but I see that as a secondary thing - something akin to offering additional resources to make sense of something they have already uncovered.
The 'uncovering' itself I notice happens best through a combination of inquiry and careful mirroring, use of silence, use of bringing attention to the process. So I might point out a certain pattern that is playing out in the way they talk about an issue - for example the client repeatedly using the phrase 'they made me do/react' - and then invite the client to interpret for themselves what that means to them and what the impact is when they believe others can 'make them' do anything. So in that way I do 'tell' them what I see - but I'm acting more like a mirror instead of adding any extra content to the conversation. I make visible a pattern, but don't tell them what it means because I don't believe that would add to their learning (and I also choose to not assume I know what it means).
Once they've made sense of things for themselves, I might then point them in the direction of an additional resource that could further their reflection - so for example, if the pattern 'they make me do' seems to be recurrent, a model such as the drama triangle, or a reading about 'locus of control' might be a useful additional resource. However, my own experience has been that the hard work of sense making involves a lot of fumbling into the dark and the reliance on models is often something that helps us, coaches, short-circuit the deep discomfort of that 'fumbling' (again, this is my experience, and may not be true for other coaches/contexts).
In saying all of that, as a developmental coach I always take stage and readiness into context. Some clients are more developmentally ready for self-reflection than others. For some having a map to guide their reflection is actually very useful. So it's a very contextual thing.
To your point about the energy slowing down - I'd be intriguied by what kind of slowing down that is. I noticed there is a slowing down that often points to some insight about to emerge, but before that insight there is a sense of confusion and stuckness - and at times sitting in that stuckness unlocks things. Other times the 'slowing down' suggests something else is needed - such as the coach bringing something more in (as you are pointing out). So that too is very much of a 'depends' for me.
Not sure how useful this perspective is? I feel I'm bringing in more variables than taking them out :).
Thanks for the variables, what else would I expect? ;-)
I appreciate your suggestion that "stuckness" and "low energy" could actually be a pre-cursor to breakthrough, and that if I allow us both to sit in it for a bit longer (instead of pointing out something), it could yield a novel breakthrough. I'll keep that in mind...
As for an example of my original question, I'm remembering one client in particular, where I coached him at first from the place of "inquiring", "asking", and "inviting reflection", and he simply was not interested. His reflections simply reinforced what he already believed, and he was not open to the possibility of other ways of thinking about his situation. In retrospect, i could have done a better job double-clicking on his sense-making... but what I ended up doing was pivoting to more of a sports coach style, giving him pep-talks and lots of energetic encouragement, and challenging him to let go of being a victim. He perked up, ostensibly let go of his resistance and began opening up to trying new behaviors. I don't know if this violated some ICF standard, but it seemed to get things moving in a more productive direction (from my perspective).
Such a delicate thing, isn't it? Sensing into the nuances and near infinite possibilities of the moment in a coaching conversation. I appreciate your multiple perspectives on this!
This goes to say that different clients need different things and it's a delicate line to walk between 'pushing' and 'letting go'. While the approach you are describing here would not fall under ICF's definition of 'coaching', this doesn't mean that perhaps that particular client didn't benefit from the different kind of nudge you offered.
Thank you for so generously sharing your coach-inner-persona. As always, so much of what you are saying resonates with me. It took me years to shake off the coaching dogma, and embrace what made sense and felt right for myself and the client. I guess this was my own virtual growth.
Really sounds like it was, Dina. It seems to me we design our own unique inner ladscapes that serve us as we coach. I am fascinated the idea that it might be possible to support a coach design theirs...
This article resounded on several levels. πΌπ π‘βππ ππ’ππ π‘πππ ππ π πππ£πππ ππ π‘βπ ππππππ‘ πππ π‘βπππ πππ‘πππ‘πππ πππ π‘βππ π ππ π πππ? In asking this questions the coach would have to acknowledge their ego (and make it not part of the answer) and to have the authenticity not be trigger. The way I come from is sensing the question the clients system wants to be asked.
Thank you for this beautiful tesimonial of your coaching approach, and for popping the hood with these profound principles! I wonder if you might elaborate on your assertion that "your advice steals my learning". I've noticed that there's a polarity there between "asking" and "telling"... If I am always asking clients to reflect and tell me what they think, the energy slows down, and in a sense I find that there's a "pointing out" that I could be doing that would immediately open up their perception to a new possibility. In other words, at times, it's in my "not telling them" that is robbing them of the opportunity to grow. Sometimes the most profound insight and transformation comes when I simply offer a new story or model or principles that gives them something to chew on and reflect on it within the context of their own experience. How does this land for you?
I love the point you are making, David, and I think working on a concrete example would be super valuable, because there can be so many flavours of 'telling' (as well as 'asking'). I'll just speculate a bit here and try to Personally, I found that giving my clients stories/models or principles is useful sometimes, but I see that as a secondary thing - something akin to offering additional resources to make sense of something they have already uncovered.
The 'uncovering' itself I notice happens best through a combination of inquiry and careful mirroring, use of silence, use of bringing attention to the process. So I might point out a certain pattern that is playing out in the way they talk about an issue - for example the client repeatedly using the phrase 'they made me do/react' - and then invite the client to interpret for themselves what that means to them and what the impact is when they believe others can 'make them' do anything. So in that way I do 'tell' them what I see - but I'm acting more like a mirror instead of adding any extra content to the conversation. I make visible a pattern, but don't tell them what it means because I don't believe that would add to their learning (and I also choose to not assume I know what it means).
Once they've made sense of things for themselves, I might then point them in the direction of an additional resource that could further their reflection - so for example, if the pattern 'they make me do' seems to be recurrent, a model such as the drama triangle, or a reading about 'locus of control' might be a useful additional resource. However, my own experience has been that the hard work of sense making involves a lot of fumbling into the dark and the reliance on models is often something that helps us, coaches, short-circuit the deep discomfort of that 'fumbling' (again, this is my experience, and may not be true for other coaches/contexts).
In saying all of that, as a developmental coach I always take stage and readiness into context. Some clients are more developmentally ready for self-reflection than others. For some having a map to guide their reflection is actually very useful. So it's a very contextual thing.
To your point about the energy slowing down - I'd be intriguied by what kind of slowing down that is. I noticed there is a slowing down that often points to some insight about to emerge, but before that insight there is a sense of confusion and stuckness - and at times sitting in that stuckness unlocks things. Other times the 'slowing down' suggests something else is needed - such as the coach bringing something more in (as you are pointing out). So that too is very much of a 'depends' for me.
Not sure how useful this perspective is? I feel I'm bringing in more variables than taking them out :).
Thanks for the variables, what else would I expect? ;-)
I appreciate your suggestion that "stuckness" and "low energy" could actually be a pre-cursor to breakthrough, and that if I allow us both to sit in it for a bit longer (instead of pointing out something), it could yield a novel breakthrough. I'll keep that in mind...
As for an example of my original question, I'm remembering one client in particular, where I coached him at first from the place of "inquiring", "asking", and "inviting reflection", and he simply was not interested. His reflections simply reinforced what he already believed, and he was not open to the possibility of other ways of thinking about his situation. In retrospect, i could have done a better job double-clicking on his sense-making... but what I ended up doing was pivoting to more of a sports coach style, giving him pep-talks and lots of energetic encouragement, and challenging him to let go of being a victim. He perked up, ostensibly let go of his resistance and began opening up to trying new behaviors. I don't know if this violated some ICF standard, but it seemed to get things moving in a more productive direction (from my perspective).
Such a delicate thing, isn't it? Sensing into the nuances and near infinite possibilities of the moment in a coaching conversation. I appreciate your multiple perspectives on this!
This goes to say that different clients need different things and it's a delicate line to walk between 'pushing' and 'letting go'. While the approach you are describing here would not fall under ICF's definition of 'coaching', this doesn't mean that perhaps that particular client didn't benefit from the different kind of nudge you offered.
Thank you for so generously sharing your coach-inner-persona. As always, so much of what you are saying resonates with me. It took me years to shake off the coaching dogma, and embrace what made sense and felt right for myself and the client. I guess this was my own virtual growth.
Really sounds like it was, Dina. It seems to me we design our own unique inner ladscapes that serve us as we coach. I am fascinated the idea that it might be possible to support a coach design theirs...